I I waited until 2:00 p.m to make the call… it was one of the longest days of my life. Throughout our relationship I honestly never thought I would have the courage to walk away because I really, really loved him. After two years he still gave me that tingling feeling when I saw him and he could still make me laugh no matter how sad I was; he challenged me and opened my mind to so many new possibilities. He was the first guy that made me excited about commitment because life with him was a party.
Our relationship was never perfect but I justified it by claiming that nobody else’s relationship was perfect either. I was committed to always work through whatever came our way because I believed that love could conquer everything and after all, we both had our flaws. Who didn’t?
However, I found myself giving more than I should have and forgiving more than I should have been asked to forgive. I found myself feeling insecure, an after thought, a secondary priority standing between him and his career goals. I found myself making excuses for certain behaviour and ignoring numerous red flags. Nothing was easy or natural anymore, fundamentally we were different. At the very least, we wanted different things. Soon I was sinking deeper and deeper into an abyss of insecurity, overwhelmed by the feeling that he did not love me back the way I needed him to.
I knew he loved me in his own way, but it wasn’t the kind of love my soul yearned for.
I wanted to be adored. I wanted to be nurtured. I wanted to feel like I was the only girl in the world for him. I knew I was “high maintenance” but I wanted to be with someone who accepted all of me, unconditionally. A gentleman who held my heart in the safest part of his.
Sometimes the risk to stay in the bud is greater than the risk to blossom, and I began to recognize that this was true for my relationship with an ex boyfriend. The risk of staying in it was greater than the pain of ending it and forsaking the potential loss of something greater for both of us. As much as he wasn’t meeting my needs, I assumed I equally wasn’t meeting his.
So I cried for about a week leading up to the final phone call and eventually found the strength to break up with him. I knew I needed to rip it off like a band-aid, this decision that was tearing my heart in two. Something deep down in my soul knew that it was the right – in fact, the only possible decision, but it was not the one I wanted to make and it was definitely not the easy road to take.
I wasn’t breaking up with him because I didn’t love him anymore. I was breaking up with him because I desperately needed to have more of the right kind of love in my life.
The call lasted for about five minutes and took every ounce of strength inside me to get through. He was spending the summer on the opposite side of the country so we couldn’t talk face to face, but he didn’t fight me on anything and he didn’t fight for our love. He didn’t fight for me.
I hung up and collapsed into a blob of tears – the very attractive, hiccuping kind of uncontrollable tears that well up in the depths of your being and gush over your face in a steady stream, staining your cheeks and blurring your vision. I finally understood why they called it heart break – my heart literally felt like it was breaking in two. The physical pain of my emotions paralyzed me and I wondered how long it would be until I ever felt whole again. It could have been minutes or hours, nothing mattered to me when my dad picked me up off the floor and held me in his arms. As my tears fell on his shoulders, he told me everything would be okay.
Looking back now, I can say that he was right.
The thing is, when you are in the wrong kind of relationship you lose yourself. You stop fostering your hopes, your dreams, your happiness. You spend too much time feeling inadequate, insecure, or overwhelmed by the inevitable ending that as your partner pulls away from you, you try twice as hard to bring them closer. Your days are spent trying to be better, trying to do more, trying to prove that you are worthy of their unconditional love.
The amount of energy required to prove yourself to them leaves you exhausted. The fear of letting go paralyzes you though, so you continue along the energy draining road of putting up with more than you should have to. You lie to yourself as much as you put on a happy face defending your relationship to everyone else in your life. There is no balance and every aspect of your life is contaminated by the toxicity of your unhealthy relationship.
You become the worst possible version of yourself.
Through my greatest heart break, I have come to believe that not every kind of love is enough. There is a right kind of love and a wrong kind of love, and we intuitively know which one we have in our relationships. For a while, they both feel amazing. Until one starts to feel really, really bad.
My experience may not echo yours. Perhaps you were the one that was broken up with or perhaps the circumstances surrounding the break up were different. The details don’t matter because the wrong kind of love is the wrong kind of love. It does not mean there has to be anything inherently wrong with you or your partner, it simply means you are the wrong combination together.
Whether you have been together for a month or ten years, whether you love each other or have fallen out of love, whether your partner is abusive or perfect on paper… if it’s the wrong kind of love, no matter how perfect, they are not perfect for you.
Do not settle for the wrong kind of love because you fear that the right kind of love does not exist for you.
The irony of having your heart broken in two is that it’s the first step in being whole in a way you can’t possibly feel in the wrong kind of relationship. It hurts for a while. Like hell. But soon you start to remember what it was like to feel free. What it was like to spend your days dreaming about what you want for yourself and who you want to be for yourself. You are reacquainted with the person you forgot about – the truest version of yourself.
You might lose one love in your life, but I promise you gain much more love.
Firstly and most importantly, you start to love yourself in the right kind of love way.
You become open to embrace the love from people you had pushed away during your relationship and they support you on your hard days so that you never feel alone in your misery.
The future slowly begins to look brighter and as you lovingly put yourself out into the world, the energy you exude shifts. You smile more easily and your eyes begin to sparkle. You are stronger. You are wiser. You are more in tune with who you are and what you need.
You have fallen head over heels in love. With yourself.
You broke free of the bud and you are blossoming. By loving yourself with the right kind of love, you attract the right kind of love.
How do I know this? Because by accepting and loving myself wholeheartedly, I have found the right kind of love in my best friend, the man who nurtures every crevice of my soul. By committing to our kind of love, I have found more freedom and happiness than ever before. He reminds me of my worth every day, he treats me with respect and unconditional love, he adores me and his are the shoulders I stand on as I reach for my dreams. He gives me the space and freedom to pursue everything thirst for, and not once has he stood between me and the other parts of my life that are important to me. I love him in a pure, all encompassing way that far exceeds anything I could ever have dreamt of. And the best part? I know that he does too.
My hope is that all of you experience this kind of love – I know that it is possible for you. All you have to do is relinquish the wrong love and start by giving yourself the kind of love your soul yearns for.
This is the magical combination.
You should never have to prove to anyone that you are worthy of their love. You should never have to feel that your relationship takes away from other beautiful parts of your life. You should never spend more energy on fixing your relationship than focusing on your own dreams. You should never have to convince someone to be with you. You should never have to sacrifice your values or beliefs for love. It should never be so difficult.
The right kind of love is effortless. It breathes fresh life into your being. It awakens rather than drains. It restores rather than destroys. It leaves you wanting to be the best version of yourself, not because you aren’t already enough, but because you are inspired to continuously become a more authentic version of yourself. The right kind of love brings peace to your life and is a safe harbour to anchor in.
The right kind of love is worth waiting for and it is worth the pain of letting go of the wrong kind of love.
Now is the time to break free darling and start loving yourself with the right kind of love, you are worth it.